I decided today to work on the 'to be' verb deletion bit we discussed and practiced in class a couple of weeks ago. I realized through the practical application of that idea that my writing drastically improved when I found more creative ways to describe or present ideas rather than habitually using a 'to be' verb variant. So, I decided first to use a paragraph selected from my first paper that we are revising for tomorrow's peer review.
Here's the original:
Rarely do students from homes where parents adopt mentoring roles engage in acts of social violence at school or other social arenas. In a Buffalo, New York, middle school a program was piloted in classrooms where trained fathers from the community came to volunteer. Surveys were taken before and after the program’s implementation, and results demonstrated that the involvement of responsible and caring adults in the classroom has a positive effect in decreasing students’ feelings of hostility (Vidal 1).
And here's the revised version:
Rarely do students from homes where parents adopt mentoring roles engage in acts of social violence at school or other social arenas. A Buffalo, New York, middle school piloted a program in classrooms where trained fathers from the community came to volunteer. Surveys administered before and after to the students and teachers demonstrated that involvement of responsible and caring adults in the classroom has a positive effect in decreasing students’ feelings of hostility (Vidal 1).
I realized that one just wasn't enough, so I drew a section from a Wikipedia article:
"Thanksgiving meals are traditionally family events where certain kinds of food are served. First and foremost, turkey is the featured item in most Thanksgiving feasts (so much so that Thanksgiving is sometimes facetiously referred to as "Turkey Day"). Stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, corn, turnips, rolls, pecan pie and pumpkin pie are commonly associated with Thanksgiving dinner. Often guests bring food items or help with cooking in the kitchen as part of a happy, communal meal" (Article "Thanksgiving").
Here's a revised version:
Thanksgiving meals have evolved into traditional family events where partakers enjoy certain kinds of food. First and foremost, turkey, the featured item in most Thanksgiving feasts (so much so that Thanksgiving is sometimes facetiously referred to as "Turkey Day"). Other foods commonly associated with Thanksgiving dinner include stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, corn, turnips, rolls, pecan pie and pumpkin pie. Often guests bring food items or help with cooking in the kitchen as part of a happy, communal meal.
Aren't they just better without all of the 'to be's?
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