It's really difficult being a senior in my position. Ah - there's my tendency coming out in full color again! I have to continually correct myself on that note - being a senior in my position isn't difficult, rather: I am a difficult senior. In fact, I've never been all that great a student since high school, and this fact has been a prime factor in my many post-high school frustrations. I think that I am lazy - smart, but lazy.
My wife may have described it well the other day when she noted that I am one who expects excellent performance from myself, and am one who has always enjoyed high grades. Decent grades have always resulted from my academic endeavors, but oftentimes I feel that they aren't really representative of my intelligence. When motivation for schoolwork passes for me, then, I have a tendency to put things off until the last possible moment and THEN, after serious personal pushing, finish the work and take a grade which in my opinion is not representative of my intelligence, but is usually a good indicator of how much work I engaged upon the task. It's frustratingly fair.
I have over the most recent couple of years had an ardent desire to attain more strict individual discipline - especially when it comes to academics - but have on the whole been unable to do so. The natural man inside me somehow still manages to guide me down the path of least resistance, becoming complacent with mediocre academic performance, and becoming totally undemanding of self in almost all academic pursuits.
I've heard that "character is following through when the original motivation has passed." I'm following through, all right, but not in the style that I would prefer. But I can't apply myself any more than I have been! I just cannot understand myself!
Sometimes - many times, in fact - I feel that I'm letting down not only myself but those who depend on me for their futures. My wife is so supportive, and my little son has no other alternative but to submit. But submit to what? A sorry mess of a father, at least when it comes to preparing for a future by working as hard as possible in the present! I so wish that I could have the academic discipline of almost anyone else I know - and it isn't any easier witnessing the educational dedication displayed in my wife's family....I can't help but compare myself sometimes, and it's just maddening!
Anyway, it's almost over - I just can't wait!
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